Great Plum Expectations

So, all day yesterday I kept thinking to myself, "Why does my ass hurt (and not in the good way)?" and then I remembered, I had sex last night.

Here's the new problem I'm faced with: even if Car Boy was the worlds biggest asshat, I have to admit that he may have been my sexual soul mate. We always commented, post orgasmicly to each other that we were anatomically "made for each other". Like God said, "LipSmacker, he's an asshat but I'm gonna make it up to by giving you a present in his pants." Thanks God.

I know New Guy never stood a chance at pleasing me but now I fear that no man will be able to give me the same sexual experience I've been blessed with the last 11 months. To his credit, I will give him an A for effort and I didn't let him pull out all his "ticks" because I just wanted to get it over with at that point. However, I guess my level of expectation has been sorely elevated to almost unrealistic expectations.

Maybe I should take a cue from Jenna Jamison and get a latex mold of my vagina made so that I can "audition" all of the new men in my life to be sure that it's the right "fit". Until that happens, I'll just have to settle for some "emotional satisfaction" while I let these new guys adore me.

In other news, I have a job interview today! The even better news is that it's with my former company and they called me!! I didn't even have to put down my cocktail to send them an updated resume!! So it seems that things are starting to go my way again now that I don't have a 260lb baby to take care of anymore! Now if I can just find a permanent place to live so I can stop crashing on friends couches and my puppy will stop giving me the guilty, "I'm so homeless" look!

Wish me luck!!!

P.S. Why do I suddenly have a huge crush on Seth Rogan and Optimus Prime???

Poison Apple Red

Text to BGF (best girl friends): Worst. Sex. Ever. I knew I shouldn't have sex with him!
Text to LS: That sucks. At least you broke the seal, let the games begin!
Text to BGF: I would have had a better orgasm if I just rubbed up against the seal instead!

Let me introduce you to New Guy. He's a totally adorable 25 year old, tattooed, Rugby playing, local boy that lives in the city while he's attending UCSF. I met him when my girlfriend E took me out to the 925 Lounge the same weekend I decided to move out of Car Boy's apartment. It was love at first tattoo sight - I noticed his and he noticed mine and then we made eye contact and by the end of the night, I was having so much fun I really didn't care if he never called me. But he did.

In fact, he calls me ALL THE FUCKING TIME!!! He's OBSESSED with me! At first it was cute, he was soooooo doting and adorable - a nice change from Car Boy! But when I would tell him to call me in the evening and he would call me every hour on the hour up until the evening... And when I would tell him I had plans and couldn't hang out and he would call/text me every few hours to make sure I still couldn't hang out... OMFG!! Slow your roll boy!

Remember in the movie, Hitch, when Will Smith's character flashes back to his nerd days and finds his girlfriend making out with another guy and he keeps shouting, "What did I do wrong!" and the other guys says, "You're doing it right now!!!" Yea, New Boy is doing it wrong.

Last night was our 5th date (thank God he went away for the 4th weekend) and I think about the 3rd date I had decided that I probably shouldn't sleep with him because then I'll never get rid of him. He's such a vulnerable little puppy dog and if I didn't LOVE his AWESOME 2009 Dodge Challenger so much, I probably would have stopped calling him last week. However, I decided that I needed to throw him a bone and give him one more chance to change my mind. So, I made him dinner last night and we had plans to stay in and watch a movie.

It was Cute Bartender's birthday last night so I had promised to come down to the bar and buy him a shot. The plan was one drink and then we would head back. Three drinks, one shot and one major flirting session with Cute Bartender later, New Guy got a call from his family telling him to get to the hospital because his 6 month pregnant sister was in labor. Unfortunately, he was drunk so guess who got to drive him to the hospital and meet his whole family!

OY! Did I mention that I hate being single again???

After we got back to the house, I was exhausted and he "just wanted to cuddle". Gag. "Ok, but I need another drink." Now, I didn't NEED to put on the sexy little nightie that I did but I didn't feel like climbing in my ex's boxers either! Let me just say that I'm damn sexy with or without clothes on but he is ugly naked. He has a smiley face tattoo on his ass cheek! And I'm not going to complain about a guy's size because it's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean! BUT, I tried all of the "most convenient" positions and lets just say the soldier failed to climb the mountain.

Text from BGF: So when are you going to destroy him? I want to be there.
Text from LS: I'll camera phone tape it and put it up on YouTube
Text from BGF: That girl is poison...part 7

The good thing is that Cute Bartender was complaining that he had to go home and fall asleep with his dogs on his birthday. I pledged to make it up to him.

Solo Gloss

Table for one please!

So, I just realized that I’m single again. Wow, that sucks.

The last time I was single, it was a choice and I was super excited about it but this time… I was 1000% looking forward to spending the rest of my life with Car Boy so I really was unprepared to be in this place again.

It’s like when you have your regular Starbucks that you go to every single day. The one that starts making your drink as soon as they see your Mini Cooper pull into the parking lot! Then all of a sudden you find yourself across town at a whole different Starbucks, where they make you wait in line and don’t know that you ALWAYS order a Grande Iced Soy Latte. It’s still a Starbucks and you still have the same order but they don’t know you and don’t know that you will dump your extra change into the tip bin and don’t know that you steal extra straws and put them in your purse.

I’m single again and I have to fall in love with a whole new barista.

I hate being single.

Amber Waves

I’m back my beautiful readers! Happy belated 4th of July to all of my USA readers!! Sorry to leave you all hanging but there has been A LOT going on since my last post. So gather round children, get your cocktail and pull up a chair…

After finding old letters between Car Boy and Ex-Bitch, I was upset, of course, but still wondering if there was some small opportunity that I might be able to salvage the relationship. So, as I sat in our apartment wondering what to do, I decided to move all of Car Boy’s stuff to the spare room. I wasn’t even looking for any further proof of his cheating when I stumbled across a CD labeled, “Photos”. When I popped it into my computer, I noticed the label read: “Mexico”. At first I assumed it was just photos of his family but then I saw the date and realized they were photos from his recent trip when he went down for his father’s funeral. I was speechless and couldn’t believe my eyes when I realized I was looking at a collection of photos of him and the Ex-Bitch. You all read the posts when his Dad died; I sat at home totally sad and depressed for him and he went out drinking and partying with his girlfriend in Mexico!!!

Needless to say, if I had any doubts about the survival of our relationship at that point they all disappeared. I can’t call her the “Ex” anymore because he never broke up with her! You see, my beautiful readers, I was not his girlfriend/fiancé, I was the other woman!!! He had lied to both of us and when she found out about me on Facebook in May, she wasn’t trying to threaten me, she was trying to warn me!!!

I would have been fine if the story ended there, however, it gets worse!

Car Boy is a professional Con Man! After contacting his family (whom he never let me meet but constantly ran off to “spend time with”), I learned that every single thing he ever did or told me was a complete lie. Our entire relationship and the person that I loved so much was a complete and total lie. His family (who turns out, is the most wonderful group of people ever!) were extremely supportive and even helped me move out of our apartment. They have been estranged from him for years because he has already taken advantage of every person in their family and even ruined his brother’s dream of becoming a cop due to the liability of having that kind of relation.

He is a very baaaaaaad man!

So, what do I do now? I could sit at home and cry into my pillow every night, or eat gallons of Ben & Jerry’s while I wallow on the couch but, I’m over it. Finding those pictures and learning everything I learned was closure enough. Selling his valuable possessions for mere pennies on Craigslist helped too! But I’m done, I’m ready to turn the page and I’m not looking back. In fact, I’m already seeing someone new and I’ve even had a pretty good make-out session with a local bartender I’ve been crushing on for a few months!

That’s right bitches, LipSmacker is BAAAAACK!!!

Did I get my heart broken? Yes. Did I learn a HUGE lesson? Yes. Do I still get sad when I think about a wasted year and wasted love? Yes. But then I remember how totally sexy I am and I realize how lucky I am that I didn’t marry him and I go buy a new pair of shoes and I feel MUUUUUUUUCH better!

Gifty Kisses

Hello my beautiful readers! Thank you everyone for all of your love and support. I am doing fine and working out all of the important decisions that I have to make now. Unfortunately, I have been sick this weekend, I'm sure it's induced by all of the stress I've been handling but it's giving me lots of time to think thru things.

In better news, I just got a delivery from my friendly Post Man and it was another box of goodies from my friends over at SingleEdition.com. If you have not already done so, please go read my interview HERE and then let me know what you think! Since I am only one person, I can't use all of these goodies myself, so I will be giving away another "Intimate" Package. Everyone seems to be entertained by the idea of the "Cum Off" wipes and I enjoy the key chain vibrator!!!

For directions on how to enter the SingleEdition.com giveaway, visit THIS post. Good Luck friends!!!

P.S. - If you love me and want me to keep posting and doing give aways instead of selling my computer for rent money, please feel free to donate to my Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Fund!!!

Circus Surprise

Up For Auction:

4 Letters from a lying, cheating Son-Of-A-Bitch Ex-boyfriend written to his "Ex-girlfriend"! All bids accepted, must pay rent that the bastard left me with and feed the dog that he originally bought for that bitch! Any and all donations accepted! Cash, Money Order or Pay Pal accepted!



Turns out my sleepless nights wondering if my beloved was locked up somewhere and needed help, were a complete fucking waste of time. I was digging thru his stuff in the storage closet that we had designated exclusively for his use, and I found a closet full of HER stuff that he swore to me several months ago, he had disposed of. Among her stuff was a box of papers, including several letters he had written to her while we were dating, expressing his love and devotion to her. All those months he spent in Mexico could have indeed been time spent with her. I quickly emptied out the closet and tossed her shit in the dumpster and then sent him an email confessing my discovery.

So, turns out my friends that I am indeed single again!

To be honest, I have had my suspicions for several months and even Ex Boy tried to warn me several times, but when you are invested in someone and their lies start small, where you can't detect them, it's hard to see the big picture. I tried to get in contact with the Ex Bitch today but it seams that all of the phone numbers she contacted me from are no longer in order.

There may have been many signs when he packed up his car two weeks ago to head down to Mexico, however, none of that matters now. I spent several days tracking down his family to see if anyone knew of his whereabouts, but he had little contact with his family except that his brother has to co-sign on all of his late father's estate business. All of the tears and all of the sleepless nights were wasted.

After seeking some advice from Cop Brother the other day, he had asked if perhaps Car Boy had run off to Mexico with another girl. At the time I was offended at the suggestion but today I texted to let him know that his instincts were correct.

At this point I have to find a way to make up the financial void he has left me with. I must find a new job and find a way to pay the rest of our bills. I don't really have any place to go if I have to leave here so I am going to try to stay here as long as I can afford.

So, in an effort to raise money to recover from my break-up (and break-down) I am going to sell several of his vintage clothes and his other stuff around the house. However, if you would like to make a donation to the Ex-boyfriend Recovery Fund, please click on the donation box on the side bar.

In conclusion, I would really like to thank all of my beautiful readers for all of your love and support throughout my relationship with Car Boy. Indeed I did believe that it was a good relationship, it is impossible for me to discount all of my good memories, loving moments, great sex and laughter on account of his infidelity. Just because he loved two of us didn't mean that he never loved me at all. I will (eventually) recover and (hopefully) find new love but in the mean time, now you will all get to benefit from my posts about recovery and healing of a broken heart.

xoxo
-LipSmacker

Lip Talk

Hello my beautiful readers! I've been a little MIA lately because Car Boy seems to have disappeared in Mexico and his family and I are eagerly trying to track down the family in Mexico that may know where he is. Needless to say, I've lost 5lbs in the last three days just from stress. I'll post more details as soon as I get the full story but if anyone can translate emails for me, I'd really appreciate the help!!!

In better news, I'm happy to announce that my interview with the gang over at Single Edition.com is now posted!! You can find my exclusive interview HERE. I hope you'll all take the time to browse the site and especially the fun products in the "Just For One" section! Even better news is that my friends over at SingleEdition.com have given me a bunch of goodies featured on their website, to give away to my readers!!!

Let me just preface this give away by admitting that I have not been the best at my past giveaways and dropped the ball for a few of my winners back in December when my life became a living disaster zone!! I still have every intention of getting everyone their goodies and will be in touch.

HOWEVER, my good friends at SingleEdition.com have already made it easy for me by giving me lots of goodies that are all packaged and ready to ship, hopefully to YOU!!

So, head on over to SingleEdition.com and then come back here and post a comment telling me what your favorite "Just For One" product is! THIS is mine!

In two weeks I will pick two winners and one will receive an "Intimate" package and the other will receive a "Beauty" package.

Intimate Package includes:
-Key chain "Flashlight" Vibrator (FYI:they work great!!)
-Coupon for free bottle of wine from the Naked Winery
-Container of "Cum Off" wipes
-Deck of Dating Topics cards to get the night going!



Beauty Package includes:
-2 boxes of Green and White teas
-1 complete GoSmile "GoTravel" smile whitening kit

I am going to email my friends at SingleEdition.com and see if they will send over even more goodies!! Good luck my beautiful readers!!!

Pleasing Pearl

What's more exciting than a room full of skinny pregnant girls talking about breastfeeding? How about a depressed, drunk, semi-suicidal 23yr old boy that just got back from Iraq? Welcome to the wild weekend update from the life of LipSmacker!

Last week was spent making preparations for Blonde Baby Momma's baby shower on Saturday. The shower turned out great and I got to see all of my favorite cousins, who sat around in a corner and trash-talked about the other in-laws in the family. Overall the event was a hit and my soon-to-be nephew now has more clothes than Paris Hilton.

Besides my mother's friends coming up to me all day to look at my diamond "non-engagement" ring, the worst part of the day was when Blonde Baby Momma complained that (even at 8.5 months along) she can't find any maternity clothes in a size 2! When I asked her about the cute Maxi dress she had on, she told me it was a "normal" dress from Old Navy but it made her look fat so she shortened it into a Maxi-Mini! Seriously! However, the best part of the day was when I asked her where I could find a spatula and she had no idea what a spatula looked like! "It has a rubber thingy, right?" No honey, the rubber thingy is what you should have put on before Cop Brother knocked you up!

Honestly people, I can't make this shit up!

After the shower, I just wanted to get home, take off my bra and pour a drink. I really didn't have any plans to go out but S called and convinced me to meet her for a casual drink at the Junkyard. One drink turned into 6, plus shots and by the end of the night E had joined us and I was inviting the whole bar back to my place for more drinks! Unfortunately, when we got to my place, I only had a half empty bottle of vodka so we moved the party over to E's house.

Somewhere along the way, E had aquired the company of a young stranger who I continued to refer to all night as "12 year old guy". Not long after we all got settled in with drinks and company, Cute Bouncer guy paired off with E and they disappeared to the golf course while I was left with "Asshole Bouncer" guy who downloaded metal rock on her iTunes all night, "I-swear-he's-gay" guy that was passed out on the couch and "12-year-old" guy, who I realized was almost crying by himself in the corner.

Three more shots and a glass of wine later, 12 year old guy and I were sitting on E's bed as I rubbed his back and listened to him cry to me about how he just wants to find someone to love. When I asked him about the cuts on his wrist (across, not up and down), he confessed that he did it on purpose and was having nightmares about his time served in Iraq.

When he finally passed out, mid-smoke on the patio table, I grabbed my keys an took off for home. A bit insensitive I know, but Car Boy being gone, losing my job, psycho ex-girlfriends and size 2 pregnant in-laws are nothing compared to that kind of drama!!! E called me round 4:30am and told me that cute boncer guy gave 12 year old boy a safe ride home and he was fine. Lucky for her, then cute bouncer guy came back and made out with her until 8 am!

Best part of the weekend? When I followed a trail of wet puppy paw prints back into the kitchen where I found this soaking wet mess playing in her water bowl! I just can't get mad this cute little scruffy face!!!

Free Kiss

*SIGH*

He's only 17 so I could never more than breathe on him and he's dating the adorable Selena Gomez but....YUM!!! I sooooooo love "Jacob"! (The shirtless boy that turns into a wolf in this clip...)

Red Rival

If Ex girlfriends were a make-up tool, they would be a bikini wax... Not the professional waxing by a trained spa tech that yanks it all off quickly with minimal pain but the do-it-yourself, home wax strips that have to be reapplied and ripped off of your skin again and again only to follow up with a tweeze session. Too graphic?

Car Boy's Ex-bitch has just about plucked my last nerve. After hacking into my personal Facebook, and threatening me via word of mouth, I decided to send her a very personal message by updating my status to the following:

"’LipSmacker’ thinks that stupid bitches need to stop Cyber stalking us and read this: HE DOESNT WANT YOU ANYMORE YOU STUPID COW! If you try anything again your ugly ass is going to jail where it belongs!"

Too harsh? Nah!

Anyway, Car Boy got a text from Bitch Face's brother the next day. She was bitching that I had sent her a nasty text. I didn't want to confess about the Facebook message so I simply denied that I had sent her a text or voicemail as she has also accused me of doing. Needless to say he was still quite upset.

I have to admit that Car Boy’s reaction was a little ironic in the since that it was him that had sent her a nasty text from my own phone several nights before.


After Car Boy told me that Bitch Face had acquired a list of addresses associated with my name and was on the brink of a witch hunt, I decided to deactivate my personal Facebook and change my cell number in an effort to put an end to her ridiculous Cyber-stalking. Since she has several active warrants on her record, I warned Car Boy that I would enlist Cop Brother the second she tried anything else. Unfortunately, seconds before I could complete the deactivation process, Bitch Face sent me a FB message – a copy of which was sent to my email:

“If he doesn’t want me anymore, then why is he still sleeping with me? Looks like you are getting mad at the wrong person, don’t ya think?”

I knew the instant that I read her message that she was full of shit but the human in me couldn’t help but wonder for a brief moment. He is gone a lot and often out of cell phone range, however, I can easily account for all of his whereabouts. I also know, as mentioned in my previous post, that just last week she was knocking on his brother’s door demanding to confirm that Car Boy was NOT living in Mexico as we had led her to believe.

Regardless of the facts, after talking with a few people that knew Car Boy’s history, as well as a long conversation with Car Boy himself, I do not doubt his faithfulness to our relationship.

This, unfortunately, does not solve my issue with Bitch Face.

I’ve had to warn my family about anyone knocking on their door, asking questions about me as well as scouring the internet to remove any available personal information about myself. Total-Pain-in-the-Ass!!!

If I truly cared enough to take her out, I would have her meet me somewhere and then conveniently have the cops show up in my place. It still blows me away that a year later, this stupid, disillusioned bitch would think that Car Boy would take her back after all of the drama she has caused him the past 6 months! Are girls really that psychotic? Does she wear a vial of his blood around her neck? Dig thru the dumpsters that she lives in for his hair clippings???

I guess I’m just too normal to understand!

Do any of you, my beautiful readers, have any stories like this that will make me feel better about my situation?